I have declared a fatwa against Wiccans. Now, some may point out that I have no actual authority to do this. After all, I'm not a Moslem. And even if I were, I still wouldn't have the authority to declare a fatwa, since you have to be a mufti or scholar of Islamic Law in order to do so. Further, for it to be binding, a fatwa must be upheld by a court of mujtahids, although this last point is no longer true among Shiite Moslems, who do not require the consensus of the court. Obviously, I'm not a scholar of Islamic Law, or a jurist of the mujtahid. But I think people will grant me some leeway here, since my task - eradicating the evil of Wicca - is a noble one.

Some sensible people may argue that my complaints are not really against Wicca, but against certain elements within Wicca. That there are many sincere and devoted people, who are just as dismayed as I am by the encroachment of the fluffy bunny white lighters, and the corruption of a valid form of Initiatory Paganism. These people will no doubt suggest that I be more specific, that I indict those forms of Wicca that are self-evidently evil and fluffy, but that I grant the valid forms a reprieve. I'm sorry, but I just can't do this. It would recquire judging people on a case by case basis, and that's just time consuming. Further, I think the corruption of fluffiness has spread too far, is too ingrained within Wicca. It would just be better if all the sensible people left. I mean, why not become Thelemites? Most of the Wiccan rituals and beliefs are just watered down forms of Thelema (i.e. the Great Rite = Gnostic Mass, the Rede = The Law of Thelema) or better yet, why not become Reconstructionist Pagans? Hellenismos, Religio Romana, Romuva, Asatru, Kemeticism, Senistrognata, the African Diasporic religions - these are all great paths. Why not try them out?

So anyway, back to my fatwa. I've tried reasoning with Wiccans. Doesn't work. They just fall back on their preset dogmas, and start repeating themselves like robots. It's fun to bring up an idea that exists outside their orderly boxes, and watch the sparks fly as their brains overload. We have to do something about the Wiccans - and while we could always trick or bribe them, but that can be costly and time consuming. So I think our best bet is the threat of physical violence. That's a huge deterrant, and it's a lot of fun when it passes beyond the stage of threats, if you know what I mean. Of course, I'm not *really* advocating violence or physical harm against Wiccans. (Wink, wink.) That would be a hate crime, and since our government has taken to policing thoughts as well as actions, that's a strict no-no. When I say "kick their asses" I don't really mean one should literally kick their asses. (There are much better targets than the ass any way.) Further, I'm not saying anyone should do anything after reading this, other than think about these issues, and maybe laugh a little. If some unhinged individual goes out and commits a crime after reading this, that's their fault, not mine. This is simply a piece of humorous writing. A parody, a commentary on the intolerance in our world, and a cry for greater understanding. Yeah, that's it.

Whenever someone says that they believe in the Gods, and then goes on to say that they're all really just different ways of seeing the same God - kick their ass. There is such incredible diversity and multiplicity in the world. Why shouldn't this be reflected in the divine authors of the world? Especially kick their ass if they say this, and then deny the existence of Satan or Jesus. You can't have it both ways, folks. Either this divine conglommarate mish-mash Deity includes them all, or it doesn't. It can't just be the Gods you like though.

Whenever someone talks about the cycles of life, the seasons and solstices, and the divinity in wild nature - and you know that they haven't been outside of a city in years - kick their ass.

Whenever someone says "An it harm none, do what thou wilt" - kick their ass. It's impossible not to harm things, since even the act of breathing, or washing, or eating dessimates countless numbers of small organisms that exist on our body. Even if it's an impossible ideal to which we should aspire - it's badly phrased. They need to find a better, more thoughtful way of expressing their ethics. And if they say, "what you do comes back three fold" - kick their ass three times. Energy tends to disperse as it goes forth; it does not increase. And if it did, it wouldn't be at such an exact rate. Nor is this principle found in nature, which demonstrates unimaginable cruelty by human standards, without any kind of punitive return.

Anyone who calls themselves WillowJadeMoon or Gryphon DancingWolf - and then looks surprised when you laugh in their face, deserves to have their ass kicked.

If they claim that Wicca is the Old Religion, and dates back to the time of the cave men, kick their ass. Wicca is maybe 70 years old, with roots in 19th century Occultism and bad anthropology. Both its rituals and philosophy betray it as a modern religion.

If one claims to be a hereditary witch - and then proceeds to quote amply from Scott Cunningham or Silver RavenWolf, kick their ass. Come to think of it, anyone who quotes from Scott Cunningham or Silver RavenWolf, and isn't doing so mockingly, should have their ass kicked. Same thing with Ray Buckland, Raven Grimassi, Robert Graves, Maria Gimbutus, Barbara Walker, Laurie Cabbot, Rene Eisler, or any of the authors of books on "Celtic Wicca".

If they use Pagan and Wiccan as synonymous terms - for instance, referring to the Pagan religion, or the Pagan Wheel of the Year, or the Pagan Mother Goddess - kick their ass. Pagan is an umbrella term that includes many, many religions, with very different aproaches to theology, festivals, ritual, ethics, practice, etc.

If someone calls themselves an eclectic Wiccan kick their ass. That's just redundant.

Anyone who thinks that you can use a chalice and blade to symbolically represent the mystery of the Great Rite needs to have their ass kicked. I mean, come on. It's ritual sex. Who wouldn't want that?

Anyone who uses grape Kool-aid and Hostess twinky snacks for cakes and ale should have their ass kicked. Unless they're Discordians, in which case, it's cool.

Anyone who says that love spells equal spiritual rape should have their ass kicked. Most people cannot be made to do anything that is truly against their will. Contrary to popular fantasies, we are not God-like beings with the power to completely control another person. Magic merely hightens what is already there, manipulating the possibilities. We use many deceptive means to attract mates - make-up, perfume, bathing, dressing nice, not acting like the total jerks we are. This is no more manipulative that that.

If someone has more than five pentagrams on their person, wears huge crystals or bunches of dangly ear-rings, dresses like something out of the SCA, or wears their ritual attire outside of Circle, kick their ass.

Anyone who remembers having a past life as Atlantean nobility, or as Merlin, Jesus, Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or an Indian brave - should have their ass kicked. On the other hand, if they remember life as a poor peasant woman who lived a drab, unglorious existence and died of starvation or disease - then they may have something there.

If you see a blond haired, blue eyed person going on about how they were adopted into the tribe, and taught the secrets of shamanism, which they will convey to you for a small price - don't kick their ass. Hold them down, and get someone from AIM to come over and do it.

If someone says that the Qaballah would be cool, except for all those weird Hebrew words, kick their ass.

If someone bursts into tears at the thought of all those poor witches burned at Salem, kick their ass. No one was burned at Salem, and it's doubtful that any of the people executed were actually witches.

Anyone who spouts that "How do you know all of this is real? Maybe we're all just part of some great dream" Zen crap, absolutely needs to have their ass kicked. This will quickly "wake them up".

Anyone who puts one of those "Never Again the Burning Times" things on their web-site will have their ass kicked.

If someone thinks cutsey unicorns, elves, dragons, and fairies are part of Wicca, kick their ass. Especially if they put them all over their web-site, or have knick-knacks resembling them. Destroy the knick-knacks if possible.

Anyone who spells the word magic as "magik" or "majique" or in any "creative" manner, barring magick, shall have their ass kicked. Adding the k changes it from a five letter word, symbolizing the pentagram or man, to a six letter word, symbolizing the hexagram, or the divine. Hence, there is a reason why it is spelled like this - and not just because it's "kewl".

Any 15 year old who claims to be a High Priestess and the leader of a Coven shall have their ass kicked.

Anyone who makes long rants about the portrayal of witches in Hollywood films and television shows like Buffy, Charmed, the Craft, or Practical Magic shall have their ass kicked. Conversely, anyone who actually believes that these shows represent witchcraft and magic shall have their ass kicked too.

Anyone who goes on about higher planes and global harmony, who talks about chakras and etheric cleansing, who is in constant communication with their spirit guides and totem animals, and claims to be a master reiki healer and offers to arrange your apartment according to the principles of feng shui so you can get a better job and get laid, definitely deserves to have their ass kicked. Unless it works.

I'm sure there are other things which I've forgotten to mention. If someone annoys you, chances are they're a Wiccan, and their behavorior falls under this fatwa. Therefore, feel free to kick their ass.

Copyright Sannion
Posted with permission