War Goddess.net - Part VII: Keeping Trolls at a Distance... or Remote Con-Troll, by Eran

How to Keep Your Coven from Being Destroyed, by Eran

Part VII: Keeping Trolls at a Distance... or Remote Con-Troll

In this series, I've described some of the dangers trolls represent, some ways of recognizing them, some descriptions of what works and what doesn't in trying to handle them. Here are some closing thoughts - a summary of how to deal with trolls, and some descriptions of what you can expect from them after they're gone.

Basic Troll Handling: A Summary
The theory of trollhandling is really very simple:

Learn how to recognize trolls. Once you are convinced that a person is, in fact, a troll, the actions you should take are straightforward.

* If you recognize trolls before they join your Coven, don't let them in.

* If they fool you for a while and get in anyway, once you realize what you're dealing with, kick them out.

If someone seems to be exhibiting troll-like behavior: Go over in your mind the trolls you might have met, your interactions with them, and the kinds of trollish behaviors they displayed. Review the earlier chapters on how to spot trolls. If you become convinced that a potential Coven member is a troll, tell that person, "Our Coven is not really a good fit for you. Paganism is a big place. I'm sure you'll find a group more to your liking elsewhere." For a current Coven member, use this same speech, and end it with, "Just to be clear: you are no longer a member of this Coven."

Be firm and uncomplicated. There is no need to be sarcastic or cruel. The troll will probably accuse you of being cruel anyway, but you know the difference between firmness and cruelty, so don't let yourself become hesitant. Being firm, straightforward, and to the point tells the troll you are not afraid, and you have no question about this being the right decision. Trolls, like guard dogs, can smell fear and uncertainty a mile away, and will try to use your own fears and uncertainties to intimidate you. But there is no need for hesitation at this point. You know what to do, you know it's necessary, and you are fully capable of doing it.

Do not bend over backwards to be understanding or gentle. Don't couch your words in polite euphemisms. Don't be subtle - trolls will ignore or misinterpret subtlety when it suits them.

The troll will ask for justification or explanation. Don't get into a recitation of reasons. You'll be given excuses and misdirections, tales of misfortune or misunderstandings, victimizations and "subjective realities". Instead, just repeat: "Our Coven is not a good fit for you. I'm sure you'll find a group more to your liking elsewhere. You are no longer a member of this Coven," or, "... You are not going to become a member of this Coven."

After that, insist the troll stay away. Don't try to "settle your differences" with the troll. Don't try to make him or her like you. Don't even try to explain your decision to the troll. In general, from that point on, treat expelled trolls as if they don't exist.

Trying to have any sort of relationship with expelled trolls - or even allowing them to have further contact with you or with your Coveners - will be seen as vulnerability. Trolls will interpret such actions as invitations to try again, opportunities to resume or continue their manipulative and destructive behavior.

On the other hand, firmly cutting off contact tells a troll that you don't play trollish games, and won't be sucked into one. It sends the message that you can't be manipulated, and can't be frightened into engaging in defensive behavior.

Don't bother to answer letters from an expelled troll, or to return phone calls. It will serve no purpose. But if a troll calls you and catches you at home, don't just hang up, for this will be interpreted as fear, and will invite accusations of rudeness or something worse. It's far better to be confidant and firm - and unhurried.

Learn a few simple phrases, and practice repeating them like a broken record, firmly but calmly: "Our association has ended. We really have nothing to discuss." If the troll asks whether he or she can call you back at a better time, answer, "Our association has ended. We really have nothing to discuss." If you're asked why you're being so hard and cruel, answer, "Our association has ended. We really have nothing to discuss." If you're asked some other question - How are you these days?, or Did you see the latest Kevin Costner movie? - answer, "Our association has ended. We really have nothing to discuss." Then say, "I'm very busy right now, so I'm going to hang up. Good-bye." And then hang up. You don't need to wait for the troll to say goodbye. Chances are he or she won't.

The word "association" is much better than "relationship." Don't say, "Our relationship is over." You don't want to give the troll an opportunity to play upon any implied intimacy of a past "relationship." An "association" is a much more vague concept, more impersonal, less intimate. Describing your past connection as an "association" is likely to make the troll pause at least a bit.

Online Afterwards
Do not respond to emails from a troll. Most importantly, do not allow an expelled troll to engage you in online conversation in email lists or newsgroups. A troll who has attacked you in real life is even more likely to do so online, before a potential audience of millions. It is likely that some public posts addressed to you from a troll may be polite and even interesting, or curious about some point. You may be tempted to imagine that the troll has changed, and can be trusted to engage in civil behavior in public. Don't be fooled. The troll will use a couple of polite emails to draw you into saying something which the troll can twist into an attack. Trolls are incredibly tenacious. They will come after you again if you leave an opening, and the medium of the internet is much too attractive a place for them to pass up.

If an expelled troll addresses a post to you on a public email list, you really have no good option. The best response is probably to simply ignore it. Pretend the post was not there at all. Conversations on email lists generally move past quickly enough that any specific post will rapidly be forgotten. It the troll insists on repeatedly attempting to engage you, continue to ignore it. Any public response at all will play into the troll's hand.

If someone asks you why you're ignoring these particular posts, you can respond in private email, with something like, "I prefer not to respond to contacts from an expelled member of my Coven." It is a very unusual list in which the participants understand the dangers and techniques of trolls, so, in most cases, any public statement of why you're declining to answer will usually be seen by others as an attack by you upon the poor troll, and the troll will have no trouble portraying you as being mean and vindictive. Until there is a general acceptance and recognition of the existence, techniques, and attitudes of trolls, you can't reliably or effectively explain what's really going on. Depending on the nature and usual tone of that particular list, you can try a short and simple public response. A fairly gentle reply might be, "We have private issues between us, and I want to insure they don't come up here." You can try much stronger responses also, but be aware that the stronger your response is, the more heat it will generate, so you have to really know your audience well, and hope they know you. In any case, keep the reply to one or two very short sentences, and end with, "That's all I care to say about it in public."

Trolls will go online and say or imply nasty and false things about you and about their experiences in your Coven. Do your best to ignore that as well. The people who know you will know those things are false. Being drawn into an online argument about it will make you seem defensive and worried and weak, and will invite further attacks.

Expelled trolls will use the precious things you taught them to become liked and respected by people as far as electrons can reach. Trolls will portray themselves as charming, sincere, knowledgeable, helpful, and all-around wonderful people. They tend to gather good-sized followings of people online who will think the world of them - most of whom will never meet them face-to-face. It is galling in the extreme to see trolls blithely chatting away on the internet, gaining friends and using their incredibly effective trollish charms to earn accolades and praise for themselves, when you know what they're really like. There's really very little you can do about that. This may be one of the hardest things to deal with in the aftermath of a troll's attacks. View the troll as a plague which passed through your Coven, and which may, sadly, affect others later, an impersonal force which you can't stem and for which there is no good form of protection or inoculation. View it al as potential learning opportunities for the people who are taken in by the troll's charms.

Re-Engagement?
At some later date, an expelled troll may call you to ask for help. The kinds of help requested could be anything, from the most mundane to the most occult. The troll could need money, or could be convinced he or she is under psychic attack, or could be in the throes of another conflict with someone else. In any case, you really don't need to know about it, and you really don't want to get involved again. Helping the troll out of some tight jam is not your responsibility. It won't generate any feelings of gratitude or obligation on the part of the troll. It won't convince the toll that you're not really such a bad person. All it'll do is get you tangled up again, and make you once more vulnerable to the troll's manipulative behavior.

The troll may try to guilt you into becoming involved. "I know we've had problems in the past. But I really need help now. Couldn't we put aside those petty differences?" Or, "It's been (months, years, whatever). Can't you get past what happened so long ago? Or, "You know, holding on to your anger really isn't healthy. Can't we grow beyond all that?"

People can change, you might think. It has been a while. But unless you already have very, very strong evidence to the contrary, bear in mind that trolls generally do not change, not without a really radical cause and intensive therapy, which you probably would have heard about. Your proper answer, to all the troll's questions, is, "My energies are now going where I need to have them go. Our association has ended. I'm sure you can find what you need elsewhere."

"But no," the troll might answer. "You are the only one I can turn to," followed by a hint at your particular skills, accomplishments, attributes, knowledge, whatever the troll thinks would make you feel flattered and respected.

You answer, "My energies are now going where I need to have them go. I'm sure you can find what you need elsewhere." Then, "I'm very busy right now, so I'm going to hang up. Good-bye."

Most people are reluctant to act in such a cold and harsh manner. But politeness and concern are wasted on a troll. Such things will be used against you, to prolong a conversation, in the hopes of manipulating you again. Remember, all things in Nature must be treated according to their innate properties. You do not submerge a canary under water any more than you would try to balance a goldfish on a perch. Providing concern and politeness to a troll is no more appropriate than keeping a goldfish in a birdcage.

In the same way, you'd normally not invite a raccoon into your home, no matter how cute its eyes are. Raccoons have very strong teeth and very short tempers, are completely untamable, and will feel no gratitude for your hospitality. Raccoons are not that different from trolls.

Outliving a Troll
Someone once said, "The best revenge is a life well lived." The worst thing you can do to a troll is to live a long and healthy, happy life, unaffected by the troll's best efforts. They hate that.

But of course, you can't be entirely unaffected. Every experience you have in your life helps to shape you, to shape your consciousness and your ways of reacting to the world. You can't really prevent a troll's vicious and irrational attacks from affecting you in one way or another. What you can do, though, is to choose what you do with the experience.

Nietzsche once said, "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger," and there's some truth to that. Even uncomfortable lessons are lessons nonetheless, and some of the most uncomfortable are the most valuable. Many Traditions in the Craft include symbols of this Great Truth. As Witches, we are asked if we're willing to suffer to learn.

Nature isn't always kind. Ask any doe caught in a forest fire. Nature can't always be controlled. Ask a farmer wiped out by a draught. Some difficult truths can't be changed. Ask anyone who's lost a beloved partner.

So, what is a good way to react to trolls? Use them to help build community, and to help build networks of people you can trust. Use them to strengthen Pagan organizations, making them more flexible and more able to face challenges. Use them to help cultivate in yourself more of a sense of serenity and acceptance of the world as it is. When faced with a troll, call your friends and loved ones, accept their help and support. Call on your Gods, and let yourself be enfolded in Their warmth. When a friend is being targeted by a troll, offer your ear and your love.

In a way, trolls serve a valuable purpose (The Books of Raoul say, "Every ecosystem needs maggots"). They're a reminder that, even as Witches, there are some things we can't change, some aspects of the World we can't control, some facets of life which are going to be painful, some pains which must simply be borne. Trolls are an opportunity to learn and to grow despite obstacles - no, because of obstacles. They're an opportunity to accept the existence of destructive, as well as creative, aspects of the Gods. They're a reminder to lean on your friends and loved ones, and to rely on the peace and strength which the Gods provide. So there is a sense in which the existence of trolls is beneficial.

But that doesn't mean you have to actually talk to them.

Much more could be said about various techniques of trollhandling and trollspotting. Other Coven Leaders may have come up with their own surefire methods of recognizing trolls, or of ridding themselves of the critters, or avoiding them in the first place. This is another possible benefit from networking: the chance to draw on the experience of others. Start conversations on the topic. Next time you find yourself dealing with a troll, you'll be glad you did.